weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
