my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
