I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
