at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
