I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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