I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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