Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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