so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
