She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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