You can't motorboat a personality
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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