you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
