If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
