i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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