Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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