you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
