Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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