he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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