Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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