I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
