Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
