I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
