My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
