last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
