GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
