every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Randomize
