life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
