Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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