this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
