I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
this is an emotional support booty call
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
