I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
