im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
