Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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