the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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