My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
