I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Who died my cat blue again?
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