and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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