The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
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