we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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