I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
