I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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