That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
