Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
