Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
