Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
