my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
