feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
