Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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