I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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