Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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