Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
