Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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