i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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